How could anyone travel this road alone? I mean alone without Jesus, Son of God, Savior, friend, companion, guide, Holy Spirit indwelling. I sometimes feel alone, but when I do, I speak the words, “I know You’re there.” And I do know it. So I go right on with the conversation.
“I’m not ready today, LORD. Please, let me keep my hubby another day.” I know He’ll answer that with prayer yes until the day He answers it with no. Then I’ll crumble and shrink into depths of sorrow. Just as well I know that I’ll recover from it and wait for God to reveal the next season of my life. How do I know? I just know. God is faithful. He’s scooped me up in His love out of my grief before, and He will do it again.
But if not, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego once said to a pagan king when commanded to disobey God, “…our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thine hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve thy gods….” I’ll keep believing and waiting for Jesus to lift me up. Big talk, right? A vow I cannot keep without God’s presence and provision, but He’ll be there. He was there for Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego in a big and showy way. He may be there for me in a quiet whisper, but He’ll be there.
So how’s it been going day by day, this journey? My hubby has endured two more seizures within a few days of one another. The Hospice doctor increased his seizure medication. The seizures have changed his sleep patterns and other significant features of his illness. Alzheimer’s continues to deprive him more and more of awareness of surroundings. I have less of my hubby’s former persona to cling to, but cling I shall.
I try to develop a routine around his sleeping habits, but this is not likely to happen. Routine seems out of grasp. Two, three, four days pass and something happens to change the circumstances. Unpredictable is the best description of my day-to-day life, based on my husband’s day-to-day needs. Yet there are constants, too, like Hospice staff faithfully standing by, directing, helping, and encouraging. And there is Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. Always Jesus. Powerful and present.
By Carol Ann Hoel © January 16, 2012
Matthew 6: 26-34 – The Bible (KJV) – Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they? Which of you by taking thought can add one cubit unto his stature? And why take ye thought for raiment? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow; they toil not, neither do they spin: And yet I say unto you, that even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these.
Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? Therefore take no thought, saying, what shall we eat? Or, What shall we drink? Or, Wherewithal shall we be clothed? (For after all these things do the Gentiles seek:) for your heavenly Father knoweth that ye have need of all these things. But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof.